XXXSONIC eXe THE REMAKEXXX
(Inspired by JC the Hyena’s official Sonic.exe remake)
“Do u undastahnd laif? Do u?” -Tommy Wiseau
Why does humanity exist?
Just so man can create beautiful creations that get taken offa the wiki BECAUSE OF THE GODAMN FURRY HATERS GODZILLA YOU YIFFING BITCH PUT MY FIC BACK GODAMN IT!
Anyway, point is that mankind is filled with trolls and haters so why does it exist? Just to make young children like myself kill themselves? It is a cycle that will kill us all, because if there is no cringey kids who will grow up?
Some think that there is a god watching over us, but I personally think after reading man door hand hook car door that’s bullshit. But who was satan? The answer will surprise you as I tell you a totaly real story about the life and times of TOEMASS, my totaly original human character.
The guy who was once called Tom was just chilling at home enjoying some Sonic 06 as you do, when mysterious package appeared. It was a priority mail cardboard box that was 3x5 Kilometers. Tom wanted to open the box immediately, but knew he had to pad out the length of the story, so he got every silver medal in 06 and ordered 6 pizzas first. When he finally opened the damn box there was a discus and a letter inside.
The letter was written with perfect comic sans and said: “Tom, check this crazy new sonic game out! It’s totaly bodacious bra! It may even be better than Sonic 06. PLEASE PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME OR THE GOAT IN THE EMAIL IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL ME! -Your bestest friend Kyle.”
“Wow! A new sonic game! Better pop this unmarked disk into my 3rd party windows laptop!” Tom exclaimed with excitement. Unfortunately once he put the discus into his laptop it was infected with the ayy lmao virus. “GOD FUCKING DAMNIT NOT AGAIN KYLE YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU ABUSE MY LOVE OF SONIC?!”
Then a new window opened that was not an ayy lmao.
It was the original sonic the edgehog game rom thing. The logo looked normal except for the split second where demonic ketchup was raining from the sky. Tom eagerly pressed enter and then was taken to a character select screen with an endless amount of playable furry friends. Tom immediately selected his FAVORITE character Sliver, because he just loves Sonic 06 so much it wasn't a mistake.
Then a distorted voice like from a youtube poop asks him “Is this your favoritist character?” Of course Tom said yes and the voice say “I fucking knew it, you really are a hardcore sonic slut aren't you? Tom said yes to this as well.
Then a loading screen popped up, Tom was spooked for sure.
After a thousand paragraphs of loading Tom was loaded into a map. He was playing as Tails and had spawned into a 3D destroyed city map that was probably just ripped from Sonic 06. This reminded Tom of 06 as everything does. Tom then took control of his early 2000s track-pad and started to walk around.
The city was dead and spooky so it builds tenscion. Then Tom found Sonic chilling by a park but there was something different about him. Perhaps it was the blood hair gel in his quills, or the edgy vampire teeth implants, or maybe it was bleeding bloody blood eyes bleeding hyper blood. This was NOT SONIC AT ALL, What an honest mistake though. So Tails went in to the Hotel from Silent Hill the good one. Inside he find a sonic “WHERE U GOING THER BUDDY?” Sonic asked in a distorted voice. “Uh, I was looking for a better video game.” Tails replied. “LIAR LIAR PLANTS FOR HIRE!” Sonic yelled back. Then loadsa plants grew all over Tail. Sonic then flicked a match on the plants burning the plants and also Tailz.
Tom immediately closed his laptop. “HOW COULD SONIC DO THAT 2 HIS BEST FREN?!” But then he remembered and reassured himself that THIS WAS NOT SONIC! GOT THAT?
After some more filler some guy knocked at Tom’s door. At the Door was a scruffy detective cliche. “I’m Detective Puke Green from the Sonic City Police Department. Fear not for I am a fellow Sonic fan as well as all the good people in the world like Jesus and MLKJR. Your friend kyle has been kill. His body was strangled by a phone cord and a Sonic Plushie was next to the phone. We’ve arrested the Sonic Plushie but you need to come down with me to the slammer to answer some questions.”
“You’ve already caught the culprit, why do you need me to go down there?” Tom asked. “I forget.” said Detective Green before he walked away in a random direction.
The next day was Monday, so Tom had to go to big boy college. At lunch Tom sat a table with his MANY FRIENDS THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
“Hey guys, our incredibly fleshed out friend Kyle has left us. He will be missed.” tom said. “He was bound to do it eventually” Bland guy says. “Yeah, but it wasn't suicide this time, it was a plushie with a phone.” Tom said. “That’s fucking retarded but also sad.” Jock guy said. “The thing is that before he died he had this spooky non-sonic game he gave to me and I have a suspicion these two plot points are linked somehow.” Tom said. “Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s play it and put ourselves in danger!” Token girl said.
So the amazing quartet of Bland guy, Jock guy, Token Girl, and Tom venture to an abandoned computer lab on campus. Some homeless guy was masterbating in there or something but they were able to ignore him. They plugged in Tom’s laptop to a giant ass projector so everyone in the room could get a good view.
The game started up once more and started with a new character. At first the furry was thought to be an oc before the token girl noticed it was some bitch from the comics which is basically fanfiction anyway. Sally Acorn walked down a hallway and came to a nightmare fetish torturing room with a abomination inside.
“PLEASE KILL ME I’M IN CONSTANT PAIN!!!!!1” Cried a multicolored hedgecatfoxhyena oc nailed to the wall. But Silly Acorns said lol and walked out of the room. But now she was in an MC escher painting. Sally tried to go up the down escalator but actually went down the up down escalator right side up. Then Sonic walked down the escalator. “So many lives to play with, but so little time… WOULDN’T YOU ALL AGREE MOOHOOHAHA!”
Then the projector started to flash rapidly and through the flashes Sonic started to reach through the screen, directly stealing the coolest and scariest scene in the new IT movie. Tom then karate chopped the projector until it was in bite sized pieces. The homeless guy then ate the projector because he was so hungry. Suddenly Not-Sonic’s hands tore away the room’s wall revealing final destination was behind it all along.
Not sonic was actually a giant edgy purple furry that was fuckin’ ripped m8. He wasn’t sonic all along but X, MY OWN ORIGINAL CHARACTER!
“Suprise! It was me! I’m the one who’s been stealing people’s souls and taking them to video game land! I also started a cult of fanboys that have brainwashed everyone into liking Sonic for this was my plan all along you see and know I’m gonna get...” X was saying until he was so rudely interrupted by the bland guy. “Guys, save yourselves from his exposition, I’ll be fine just go!” Then X’s kinky mouth tentacle’s stole bland guy’s soul lemon from his mouth hole.
Tom and his amazing trilogy of lifelong friends: token girl, jock guy, and some homeless person Naruto ran down the halls of the cooledge building. “We need to find a closet to lock ourselves in, then we’ll be safe from the homos!” The homeless man suggested. “Perfect idea!” Tom responded. “AAAAAH HELP!” Token girl tripped and the mouth tentacles were coming right for her ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). “Go save yourselves I’ll save the Token character for sure!” the jock said, staying to try and the girl before they were… well you know…
“In here!” The homeless man had found a closet so Tom and him piled in and closed the door. Now a teenager and a homeless old man were huddled together in a closet while a demonic sonic waited for them to come out of the closet. “Fools! You’ll have to come out sometime! And when you do we’ll have sexy fun times in videogame land FOREVER!” X taunted. “So what do we do now?” asked tom to which the man replied “Look at all these janitor supplies sonny boy! Bleach, Arsenic, Rope, It’s like a suicide toolkit!” “NOOOOO! Don’t kill yourselves! Purging the cancer is my only weakness!” wailed X. “Time to put up or shut up sonny boy! I’ll see you in hellll…” The homeless guy once named Dusty Washcloth said as his last words before he drank a whole thing of bleach.
“Tom please come out of the closet your parents are very worried.” said X “Nope” replied Tom as he pulled a gun. “IT’S NOT FAIR I JUST WANT TOYS TO PLAY WITH! WAAAH WAAAH!” Tom knew what he needed to do and put the gun in his mouth ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). With all his courage and strength Tom ended his retarded existence once and for all.
AND THAT’S THE ORIGIN STORY FOR MY HUSBANDO OC PLEASE RATE 5 STARS AND LAVISH ME WITH PRAISE!